지난 24년 가까운 세월 동안 몇 년에 한 번씩 반복적으로 당회에 등장하는 주제가 있었습니다. 그것은 바로 결혼을 앞둔 성도들을 어떻게 지도할 것인지 문제였습니다. 전통적으로 기독교 역사 2천년 동안, 아니 지난 100년 동안 한국 교회는 자녀들이 불신결혼을 하면 신앙으로 자녀를 키우지 못한 부모를 징계했습니다. 하지만 세속화의 바람이 거센 지금은 어느 교회 할 것 없이 징계가 충실하게 시행되는 경우가 사라지고 오히려 불신결혼을 시키는 부모의 목소리가 점점 커지게 되어 울산교회의 경우 주보에 광고를 실려주지 않는다고 항의를 하는 상황에 이르렀습니다. 안타깝게도, 그 항의에 동조하는 분들도 가끔씩 등장했습니다. 워낙 우리 민족은 정이 많다 보니 한 편으로는 이해가 되지만 성경대로 가르치는 것을 주 임무로 울산교회 당회장으로 위임된 목사로서, 몇 차례 목회적 입장을 당회에서 밝히기도 하고 때론 주보칼럼에 싣기도 했습니다.
그런 과정에 나온 타협안은 1) 주보에 실리길 원하면 불신 결혼이라도 실어 주도록 하되 그 부모는 반드시 징계를 하는 것으로 했습니다. 그렇게 하는 이유는 징계가 없이 불신 결혼을 버젓이 주보에 싣게 되면 울산교회는 불신결혼을 허용하는구나 하는 잘못된 신호를 성도들에게 줄 수 있다는 목회적 염려 때문에 치리를 하게 된 것입니다. 아니면 2) 불신결혼인 경우 주보에 실리지 않는 것을 전제로 자녀를 신앙으로 키우지 못해서 불신 결혼을 시킨 부모에 대해서 용인(?)해 주기도 했습니다. 그래서 부모로 하여금 택일 하도록 했고 아주 가끔은 1)을 택한 분이 있으나 대개는 2)를 선택했습니다.
하지만 이전에는 자녀가 불신결혼을 하는 경우에는 부끄러워하고 미안해하던 일반적인 분위기가 크게 바뀌고 있습니다. 요즈음 와서는 주보에 광고를 싣지 않는 대신에 상당히 적극적으로 청첩장을 돌리는 변화(?)가 대세가 되어가고 있으니 이를 그대로 수용하는 것이 맞느냐는 고민을 하게 되었습니다. 주보에 실리지 않는 것으로 면죄부를 받은 듯이 당당해진 부모의 모습을 보면서 지금껏 해오던 타협안에 대한 검토를 다시 해야 한다는 의견이 대두한 것입니다. 결혼이라는 가정의 경사를 성도의 교제 차원에서라도 주보에 실려 교인들에게 알려 주어야 한다는 의견이 이전에는 너무 강경했기에 1)과 2)의 타협안으로 봉합해 왔지만 그렇게 하는 것이 성경적으로 옳지 않다는 인식을 갖게 된 것입니다.
맞습니다. 하지만 결혼을 앞두고 나서야 성경적인 삶으로 바로 잡기에 는 현실적으로 한계가 많습니다. 그래서 <신앙교육 가정에서부터>가 < 신앙교육, 어릴 적 가정에서부터>가 필요합니다. 게다가 요즈음은 늦은 나이에 결혼을 하게 되니 부모에겐 나이와 상관없이 자녀는 엄연히 자녀이되, 다 큰 성인자녀에 대한 부모의 영향이 참으로 미미한 처지입니다. 그렇다고 그냥 수용할 수는 없습니다. 1)은 몰라도 2)는 새롭게 검토해야 합니다. 이 문제에 대해서 장로님들과 목사님들이 기도하고 함께 답을 찾아 교회적인 지침을 새롭게 마련해야 할 때가 된 것 같습니다.
Over the past nearly 24 years, an issue has repeatedly surfaced at our session meetings every few years: how to pastorally guide church members who are preparing for marriage. Historically, throughout two millennia of church history—and certainly over the last century in the Korean church—when children entered into marriage with unbelievers, the church exercised discipline on the parents who had failed to raise their children in the Christian faith. However, with the fierce winds of secularization blowing today, faithfully administered church discipline has virtually disappeared across almost all churches. Instead, the voices of parents whose children marry outside the faith have grown increasingly vocal. At Ulsan Church, it has even reached a point where some parents lodge complaints when wedding announcements are not published in the Sunday bulletin. Regrettably, voices sympathizing with these complaints have occasionally arisen as well. Knowing how deeply affectionate and relationally tender our people are, I understand this sentiment on a human level; yet as a pastor ordained and charged with the primary calling of teaching the Scriptures as moderator of the session at Ulsan Church, I have articulated our pastoral stance to the session several times and occasionally shared it through our bulletin columns.
The compromise that emerged through this process offered two alternatives: 1) If parents wished for the wedding to be announced in the church bulletin, it would be published even if it was a marriage to an unbeliever, but the parents would inevitably be placed under church discipline. The rationale behind this was pastoral: unreservedly announcing an interfaith marriage in the bulletin without discipline could send a misleading signal to the congregation that Ulsan Church condones marriages with unbelievers. Alternatively, 2) the church chose to tolerate(?) parents who failed to raise their children in the faith and thus let them marry unbelievers, on the condition that the wedding would not appear in the bulletin. Parents were asked to choose between these two options. While a rare few chose option 1, the vast majority opted for option 2.
Yet, the cultural climate in which parents once felt humbled and apologetic when their children married unbelievers has shifted dramatically. Nowadays, instead of having the wedding announced in the bulletin, parents rather boldly distribute wedding invitations, and this transformation(?) has become the prevailing trend. This forces us to question whether simply accepting this practice is right. Observing parents who act with newfound confidence, as though being kept off the bulletin granted them a moral pardon, voices have arisen urging that we must re-examine our long-standing compromise. In the past, because the sentiment that family milestones like weddings ought to be shared with church members as an act of Christian fellowship was so staunch, we patched over the dilemma through this compromise between options 1 and 2. However, we have come to recognize that continuing in this manner is not biblically sound.
Indeed, attempting to redirect someone toward a biblical lifestyle only when they are already standing on the eve of marriage faces severe practical limitations. This is precisely why we need "Faith Education Starting in the Home"—or rather, "Faith Education in the Home from Early Childhood." Furthermore, because young people nowadays marry at a much later age, children remain children in the eyes of their parents, yet parental influence over fully grown adult children has become virtually negligible. Even so, we cannot simply capitulate. While option 1 may stand as it is, option 2 certainly demands fresh evaluation. It seems the time has come for our elders and pastors to pray earnestly together, seek biblical answers, and establish renewed congregational guidelines for this matter.
Oor die afgelope byna 24 jaar was daar ’n tema wat elke paar jaar herhaaldelik voor die kerkraad gedien het: hoe om lidmate te begelei wat op die punt staan om in die huwelik te tree. Tradisioneel, deur tweeduisend jaar van die Christelike kerkgeskiedenis—en gewis oor die afgelope eeu in die Koreaanse kerk—is ouers wie se kinders met ongelowiges getrou het, onder kerklike tug geplaas omdat hulle nagelaat het om hul kinders in die geloof op te voed. Maar te midde van die hewige sekulêre winde wat vandag waai, het getroue kerklike tug in feitlik alle gemeentes verdwyn. Inteendeel, die stemme van ouers wat hul kinders met ongelowiges laat trou, het al hoe luider geword, tot so ’n mate dat mense by Ulsan Gemeente beswaar gemaak het wanneer hul huwelikskennisgewing nie in die gemeentebulletin geplaas is nie. Ongelukkig het daar van tyd tot tyd ook stemme opgegaan wat hierdie besware ondersteun het. Omdat ons volk van nature baie hartlik en geheg aan mekaar is, kan ’n mens dit enersyds begryp; maar as ’n leraar wat as voorsitter van die kerkraad by Ulsan Gemeente bevestig is met die primêre taak om die Skrif getrou te verkondig, het ek by verskeie geleenthede my pastorale standpunt voor die kerkraad gestel en dit ook somtyds in bulletinrubrieke behandel.
Die kompromie wat uit hierdie proses voortgespruit het, was tweeledig: 1) As ouers wou hê dat die huwelik in die bulletin geplaas moes word, sou dit geplaas word selfs al was dit ’n huwelik met ’n ongelowige, maar die ouers sou onvermydelik onder kerklike tug geplaas word. Die rede hiervoor was ’n pastorale besorgdheid: om sonder enige tug ’n huwelik met ’n ongelowige openlik in die bulletin aan te kondig, kon ’n verkeerde teken aan die lidmate gee dat Ulsan Gemeente huwelike met ongelowiges goedkeur. Andersins, 2) is ouers wat nagelaat het om hul kinders in die geloof groot te maak en hulle dus met ongelowiges laat trou het, oogluikend toegelaat(?), op voorwaarde dat die huwelik nie in die bulletin aangekondig sou word nie. Ouers moes dus tussen hierdie twee opsies kies; hoewel daar baie selde iemand was wat opsie 1 gekies het, het die oorgrote meerderheid opsie 2 verkies.
Die algemene gesindheid van weleer, waar mense skaam en berouvol was wanneer ’n kind met ’n ongelowige trou, het egter drasties verander. Deesdae het dit die heersende tendens geword om, in plaas daarvan om die huwelik in die bulletin te adverteer, troukaartjies opvallend vrymoedig uit te deel. Dit laat ’n mens wonder of dit reg is om hierdie verandering(?) sonder meer te aanvaar. Wanneer ’n mens sien hoe ouers met groot selfversekerdheid optree, asof die weglating uit die bulletin aan hulle ’n vrybrief besorg het, het die gedagte na vore gekom dat ons hierdie jarelange kompromie opnuut moet heroorweeg. Vroeër was die aandrang so sterk dat ’n gesinsgeleentheid soos ’n huwelik ter wille van die gemeenskap van die gelowiges in die bulletin gedeel moes word, dat ons die saak met ’n kompromie tussen 1) en 2) probeer toedek het; maar ons het begin besef dat so ’n handelwyse nie Bybels verantwoordbaar is nie.
Dit is inderdaad waar. Maar om eers op die vooraand van ’n huwelik te probeer om dinge volgens ’n Bybelse lewenswandel reg te stel, stuit in die praktyk op geweldige beperkinge. Daarom is "Geloofsopvoeding vanuit die huis"—of liewer "Geloofsopvoeding van kindsbeen af in die huis"—so broodnodig. Boonop tree mense deesdae op ’n baie latere ouderdom in die huwelik; vir ouers bly ’n kind natuurlik altyd ’n kind, ongeag die ouderdom, maar ouerlike gesag oor volwasse kinders is vandag uiters gering. Desondanks kan ons dit nie sommer net so aanvaar nie. Wat ook al van opsie 1 mag word, opsie 2 moet beslis opnuut ondersoek word. Dit wil voorkom asof die tyd aangebreek het dat die ouderlinge en predikante biddend saam na antwoorde soek om nuwe riglyne vir die gemeente daar te stel.