이십 몇 년전, 제가 마흔 살도 넘은 어느 겨울날 시어머님의 칠순이라며 대구에 계시던 친정어머니가 올라오셨습니다. 나를 보자마자“나 축하해주라.” 고 하시는 것입니다. 이번 가을에 드디어 세례를 받으셨다는 것입니다. 교회를 출석하기는 저보다 먼저 하셨지만 그동안 제대로 다니지도 않으시고, 좀 답답하면 나가다가 편안해지면 방학에 들어가시곤 하셔서 한 이십 년 전쯤에 학습문답을 하셨는데 이제 세례를 받으신 것입니다.
반가운 마음에 둘이 앉아 얘기를 나누어보니 어머니께서 이제는 구원의 확신을 가지시고 온 가족이 구원받는 것이 소원이라고 하셨습니다. 그래 축하를 해 드리고 함께 감사기도를 드렸습니다. 기도가 끝나고 눈을 뜨자 말자 갑자기 제게 “내가 너 어릴 때 왜 그렇게 때렸는지 아나?”라고 하셨습니다. “뭐 초콜릿 사달라고 울어서 맞았다면서요.”라고 대답했더니, “아니야, 그런 게 아니고 너의 아버지가 바람을 피시는데 내가 어디 분을 풀 데가 없어서 너한테 화풀이를 한 거지.” 갑작스런 말씀에 민망하기도 하고 어떻게 반응을 보여야 할지 몰라 그냥 어정쩡하게 “뭐 그럴 수도 있죠.”라고 대답하고는 얼른 화제를 바꿔버렸습니다.
그리고 대구에 내려가셔서 두 달 만에 폐렴을 앓으셨습니다. 병원에 계신다고 해서 내려가서 뵈었는데 병세가 그만하다고 해서 서울로 올라왔더니 사흘 만에 갑자기 천국에 가셨다는 소식을 들었습니다. 그렇게 빨리 가실 줄 몰랐는데 말입니다. 불현 듯 두 달 전에 제게 하셨던 말씀이 생각났습니다. 하나님께 나아가서 삶을 회개하고 구원받고서 평생 마음의 짐이었을 것 같은 고백을 제게 하시고는 그만 가신 것입니다. “용서해다오.”라고 딱 부러지게 말씀하지 않았지만, 그런 마음으로 말씀하셨을 것인데 내가 왜 그 눈치를 못 챘을까! 후회가 되었습니다. 그 말씀 하실 때 확실하게 어머니를 위로해 드렸어야 했는데 말입니다.
그래서 어머니는 이미 천국에 가셨지만 저는 그 자리에서 주님께 무릎 꿇고 기도드렸습니다. “하나님 아버지, 저를 사랑하셨던 어머니를 용서하겠습니다. 자신의 분을 제게 푸셔서 저를 욕하고 때렸던 것을 용서합니다. 제가 주님께 용서받은 자로서 주님의 뜻을 따라 용서하겠습니다. 천국에 계신 어머니께서도 제 얘기를 들어주실 줄로 믿습니다.” 그리고 저는 어머니와의 관계가 다 해결되었다고 믿었습니다.
그런데 이번에 래리 크랩의「영적 가면을 벗어라」는 책을 읽다 말고 천국에 계신 어머니께 할 말이 있어서 책을 덮었습니다. “엄마 정말 고마워요. 어떻게 그 말을 할 생각을 하셨지요? 엄마가 그 말 안했으면 난 몰랐을 텐데. 그 말을 하려면 용기가 많이 필요했을 텐데. 엄마가 하나님과의 관계가 회복되고 딸과의 관계에서도 온전하기를 원해서 그랬지요? 그 말을 해 주셔서 정말 감사해요. 그래서 이 딸까지도 회복할 수 있는 기회를 주셔서 고마워요 엄마.”
“그리고 미안해요 엄마. 내가 엄마 말을 잘 듣는 착한 아이인 척했지만 사실은 엄마를 진심으로 사랑하지 않았어요. 난 엄마에게 인정받고 싶었고 야단맞기 싫어서 나를 보호하고 싶어서 엄마의 말을 잘 들었지만 그게 다 나를 위해 한 일이었거든요. 이 책을 통해서 하나님께서 내가 얼마나 나쁜 죄를 지었는지를 가르쳐 주셨거든요. 내가 다치기 싫어서, 나를 보호하기 위해서 사람을 대하는 것은 하나님이 기뻐하시지 않는다고 말씀하셨거든요.”
“내가 위로받고 편안해지고 행복해지는 것이 우리의 목적이 아니라 내가 하나님 앞에서 거룩해지고 그래서 하나님을 사랑하고 사람들을 진정으로 사랑하는 것이 우리의 목적이 되어야 한다고 배웠어요. 솔직히 말하면 나는 나와 너무 다른 다혈질인 엄마를 이해하기도 힘들었고 마음으로 싫어했었어요. 엄마 정말 미안해요. 엄마는 비록 내게 욕을 해도 나를 사랑하셨는데 말입니다. 제가 잘못했어요. 이제는 엄마가 저를 용서해 주세요.”
“그리고 엄마 이제는 정말 마음으로 엄마를 사랑합니다. 나를 낳아주시고 온 힘을 다해 키워주시고 사랑해주셔서 감사합니다. 그렇게 사람들을 사랑하고, 삶을 즐길 줄 아는 엄마는 참 멋있는 아내였고 어머니였습니다. 이제는 주님 곁에서, 이 땅에서와는 달리 몸과 마음이 아프지도 슬프지도 않을 뿐만 아니라 주님으로 인해 기뻐하고 계실 어머니를 저도 사랑합니다. 엄마, 사랑해요.”
More than twenty years ago, on a winter day when I had already turned forty, my mother came up from Daegu to celebrate my mother-in-law's seventieth birthday. The moment she saw me, she said, "Congratulate me!" She told me that she had finally been baptized that autumn. Although she had started attending church earlier than I did, she had not attended faithfully all those years—going only when life felt suffocating, and taking a long break whenever things became comfortable again. She had completed the catechism inquiry about twenty years earlier, but only now had she finally received baptism.
Delighted, the two of us sat down together to talk. Mother told me that she now had the assurance of salvation and that her deepest longing was for our whole family to be saved. So I congratulated her warmly, and we offered a prayer of thanksgiving together. As soon as the prayer ended and we opened our eyes, she suddenly asked me, "Do you know why I used to beat you so much when you were little?" I answered, "Well, you told me it was because I cried, begging you to buy me chocolates." "No, it wasn't that," she confessed. "Your father was having affairs, and because I had nowhere else to release my bitter resentment, I took my anger out on you." Taken aback by such an unexpected confession, I felt embarrassed and did not know how to react, so I just answered awkwardly, "Well, I suppose that could happen," and quickly changed the subject.
After returning to Daegu, she fell ill with pneumonia just two months later. Hearing that she was hospitalized, I went down to see her. They told me her condition was stable, so I returned to Seoul, but only three days later, I received word that she had suddenly gone home to heaven. I had no idea she would leave so soon. All of a sudden, the words she had spoken to me two months earlier came flooding back. Having turned to God, repented of her past life, and received salvation, she had shared the confession that must have weighed heavily on her heart for a lifetime—and then she was gone. Though she had not explicitly pleaded, "Please forgive me," she surely spoke out of that very heart. Why had I failed to realize it then? Deep regret filled my soul. I should have offered her comforting reassurance right then and there.
And so, though my mother was already in heaven, I knelt before the Lord on that very spot and prayed: "Heavenly Father, I choose to forgive my mother, who loved me. I forgive her for taking her anger out on me, for verbally abusing and hitting me. As one who has been forgiven by the Lord, I forgive her according to Your will. I believe that my mother in heaven will hear my heart as well." After that, I believed that everything between my mother and me had been fully resolved.
Recently, however, while reading Larry Crabb's Connecting: Healing Ourselves and Our Relationships (Korean translation: Take Off Your Spiritual Mask), I paused and closed the book because I had something more to say to my mother in heaven:
"Mom, thank you so very much. How did you ever muster the thought to say those words to me? If you hadn't spoken, I never would have known. It must have taken so much courage to confess that. You did it because you wanted your relationship with God to be restored, and you wanted things to be made whole with your daughter as well, didn't you? Thank you so much for saying those words. Thank you, Mom, for giving your daughter the chance to be healed and restored too.
"And I'm so sorry, Mom. I pretended to be a good, obedient child, but the truth is, I didn't truly love you from the heart. I only obeyed you because I craved your approval, hated being scolded, and wanted to protect myself. It was all for my own sake. Through this book, God showed me how deeply sinful that was. He taught me that dealing with people merely to avoid being hurt and to protect myself does not please Him at all.
"I learned that our purpose in life is not simply to be comforted, feel secure, and seek our own happiness, but to become holy before God, and out of that holiness, truly love God and genuinely love others. To be honest, because my personality was so different from your fiery, quick-tempered nature, I struggled to understand you and harbored resentment toward you in my heart. Mom, I am truly sorry. Even when you lashed out in anger, you genuinely loved me. I was the one in the wrong. Please, Mom, forgive me now.
"And Mom, now I truly love you with all my heart. Thank you for giving birth to me, for pouring out all your strength to raise me, and for loving me. With your deep love for people and your ability to enjoy life, you were truly a wonderful wife and a magnificent mother. Now, by the Lord's side—where, unlike on this earth, there is no pain or sorrow in body or soul, and where you rejoice continually in the Lord—I love you dearly. Mom, I love you."
Iets meer as twintig jaar gelede, op 'n winterdag toe ek alreeds oor die veertig was, het my ma van Daegu af gekom om my skoonma se sewentigste verjaardag te vier. Die oomblik toe sy my sien, roep sy uit: "Gelukwens my tog!" Sy vertel toe dat sy daardie herfs uiteindelik gedoop is. Alhoewel sy vroeër as ek die kerk begin bywoon het, het sy al die jare nie getrou gegaan nie—sy het net gegaan wanneer die lewe haar benoud gemaak het, en 'n lang ruskans geneem sodra dinge weer rustig geword het. Sy het reeds sowat twintig jaar tevore die belydenisonderrig deurgemaak, maar nou eers het sy uiteindelik die doop ontvang.
Met groot blydskap het ons twee gaan sit en gesels. Ma het gesê dat sy nou die sekerheid van redding het en dat haar grootste hartsbegeerte is dat ons hele gesin gered moet word. Ek het haar van harte gelukgewens, en ons het saam 'n dankgebed gedoen. Net toe die gebed klaar was en ons ons oë oopmaak, vra sy my skielik: "Weet jy hoekom ek jou so baie geslaan het toe jy klein was?" Ek antwoord toe: "Nou ja, u het mos altyd gesê dit was omdat ek gehuil en gesoebat het vir sjokolade." "Nee, dit was nie dit nie," bieg sy. "Jou pa het ander vroue gehad, en omdat ek nêrens anders heen kon gaan met my woede en bitterheid nie, het ek my frustrasie op jou uitgehaal." Oorbluf deur so 'n onverwagse bekentenis, was ek verleë en het ek nie geweet hoe om te reageer nie; ek het maar net lomp geantwoord: "Wel, sulke dinge gebeur seker maar," en vinnig van onderwerp verander.
Twee maande nadat sy terug is Daegu toe, het sy met longontsteking siek geword. Toe ek hoor dat sy in die hospitaal opgeneem is, het ek afgegaan om haar te besoek. Hulle het gesê haar toestand is stabiel, en daarom is ek terug na Seoel toe, maar net drie dae later het die tyding gekom dat sy skielik hemel toe is. Ek het glad nie verwag dat sy so vinnig sou heengaan nie. Skielik het die woorde wat sy twee maande tevore met my gedeel het, weer by my opgekom. Nadat sy na God toe gekeer het, haar lewe bely het en verlossing ontvang het, het sy daardie bekentenis—wat sekerlik 'n lewenslange las op haar hart was—met my gedeel, en toe is sy heen. Al het sy nie prontuit gesê: "Vergewe my asseblief" nie, het sy dit tog met daardie gesindheid gesê. Waarom het ek dit tog nie destyds aangevoel nie? Diepe berou het my beetgekry. Ek moes haar net daar en dan met my hele hart getroos het.
Al was my ma reeds in die hemel, het ek net daar op my knieë voor die Here gegaan en gebid: "Hemelse Vader, ek vergewe my ma wat my liefgehad het. Ek vergewe haar dat sy haar woede op my uitgehaal het, op my geskel het en my geslaan het. As iemand wat self deur die Here vergewe is, vergewe ek haar volgens U wil. Ek glo dat my ma in die hemel ook my stem sal hoor." Daarna het ek geglo dat alles tussen my en my ma volkome opgelos was.
Maar onlangs, terwyl ek besig was om Larry Crabb se boek Connecting (Koreaanse titel: Haal af jou geestelike masker) te lees, het ek opgehou en die boek toegemaak omdat ek nog iets vir my ma in die hemel wou sê:
"Mamma, baie, baie dankie. Waar het Mamma ooit die moed vandaan gekry om daardie woorde vir my te sê? As Mamma dit nie gesê het nie, sou ek dit nooit geweet het nie. Dit moes soveel dapperheid geverg het om dit te bieg. Mamma wou seker hê dat Mamma se verhouding met God herstel word, en dat alles tussen Mamma en u dogter ook heel gemaak word, nie waar nie? Baie dankie dat Mamma daardie woorde gespreek het. Dankie, Mamma, dat u vir my die geleentheid gegee het om ook innerlik herstel te word.
"En ek is so jammer, Mamma. Ek het altyd voorgegee om 'n soet, gehoorsame kind te wees, maar in werklikheid het ek Mamma nie werklik uit die hart liefgehad nie. Ek wou net Mamma se goedkeuring hê, ek was bang om raas te kry, en ek wou myself beskerm; daarom het ek maar geluister, maar dit was alles ter wille van myself. Deur hierdie boek het die Here my gewys watter groot sonde ek eintlik gedoen het. Hy het my geleer dat om met mense om te gaan bloot om myself te beskerm en nie seer te kry nie, glad nie vir God behaag nie.
"Ek het geleer dat ons doel in die lewe nie is om net getroos, gerieflik en gelukkig te wees nie, maar om heilig te word voor God, en om vanuit daardie heiligheid God werklik lief te hê en mense opreg lief te hê. Om die waarheid te sê, omdat my geaardheid so verskil het van Mamma se vurige, opvlieënde temperament, was dit vir my moeilik om Mamma te verstaan, en ek het 'n wrok in my hart gekoester. Mamma, ek is werklik jammer. Al het Mamma soms lelik met my gepraat, het Mamma my tog liefgehad. Ek was verkeerd. Mamma, vergewe my asseblief nou.
"En Mamma, vandag het ek Mamma waarlik uit die diepte van my hart lief. Baie dankie dat Mamma my in die wêreld gebring het, my met al Mamma se krag grootgemaak het en my liefgehad het. Met Mamma se groot liefde vir mense en daardie gawe om die lewe te geniet, was Mamma waarlik 'n wonderlike vrou en 'n pragtige ma. Nou, aan die sy van die Here—waar daar, anders as hier op aarde, geen pyn of hartseer in liggaam of siel meer is nie, en waar Mamma jubel in die Here—het ek Mamma ook innig lief. Mamma, ek het jou lief."