도색한 지가 10년이 넘었다고 아파트를 새로 칠을 한답니다.외벽을 칠할 때는 그나마도 괜찮았는데 계단과 복도, 천장을 칠한다고 온 사방이 난리도 아닙니다. 페인트가 묻으면 안 되는 부분들은 각 집의 문과 엘리베이터의 문, 바닥까지 모두 비닐로 감싸 놓았습니다. 문을 열고 닫을 때마다 너덜거리는 비닐이 방해가 되는가 하면 페인트칠을 해놓아 옷에 묻을세라 조심해야 되며 마를 때까지는 그 냄새가 코를 찔렀습니다.
그렇지만 아무도 불평하지 않았습니다. 어째 그럴까 생각해봤습니다. 좀 불편해도, 좀 불쾌해도 더 좋게 더 아름답게 더 깨끗하게 하기 위해서 잠깐 동안만 불편하기 때문입니다. 조금만 참으면 이전보다 훨씬 아름답고 좋은 환경이 될 것을 알기 때문입니다.
그러다가 생각난 것이 있습니다. 우리 역시 아직도 공사 중이라는 것입니다. 아내도 그렇고 남편도 그렇습니다. 부모도 그렇고 자녀도 마찬가지일 것입니다. 더 좋아질 것이고 더 아름다워질 것을 알기만 하면 참을 수 있습니다. 그냥 참는 것이 아니라 도와줄 수 있으면 얼마나 좋을까요.
결혼한 지 34년이 되었는데도 아직도 나는 말을 잘 할 줄 모릅니다. 격려하고 칭찬해야 되는 줄 알면서도 그게 잘 안 된다는 말입니다. 가족 간에 격려하고 칭찬하면서 서로 도와주면 우리 모두가 성숙하고 믿음직스러워지며 더욱 멋있어질 것을 아는데도 말입니다. 칭찬하는 것 보다는 상대방의 결점을 먼저 보고 비난하기가 일쑤입니다. 내가 피곤하면 좋게 말할 것도 무뚝뚝하게 말해버리고 맙니다.
울산교회 제자훈련 모임에서는 ‘남편과 자녀를 칭찬하기’라는 생활숙제가 있습니다. 한 번도 해본 적이 없어서 생각도 잘 안 나고 쑥스럽고 결국 숙제를 못하는 사람들도 있습니다. 한 분은 설거지를 해준 남편에게 고맙다고 얘기하고 싶었는데 찢어진 고무장갑을 보는 순간 “또 고무장갑 찢었지요. 좀 조심해서 안하고 맨날 그럽니까?”라는 말이 먼저 튀어나오고 말았습니다. 그러자 남편이 기분 나빠하면서 하는 말 “내가 다시는 설거지 하나 봐라.”였습니다. 아차! 실수였습니다. 괜찮습니다. 다시 시작하면 됩니다. 물론 열심히 숙제를 하고 기쁜 보고서를 제출하는 분들도 많습니다. 몇 가지 사례를 소개하겠습니다.
말로 하기가 뭣해서 쪽지 편지로 남편을 격려한 아내가 있습니다. 남편이 매일 먹는 약봉지 속에 쪽지를 넣었습니다. 격려, 칭찬의 말과 함께 말입니다. “나는 당신의 발 냄새도 사랑합니다. 우리 식구를 위해 열심히 땀 흘려 일하는 당신의 발이기 때문입니다. 정말 고맙습니다.” “당신은 참 멋있습니다. 건강한 당신 고맙습니다.” 등의 메시지를 넣었습니다. 과묵한 경상도 남편인지라 특별히 반응을 보이진 않았겠지요. 하지만 남편의 입에서 거친 말, 나쁜 말이 사라지기 시작했습니다. 회사에서 은근히 자랑을 하셨던 모양입니다. 다른 직원들이 얼마나 부러워들 했다던지! 또 다른 분은, 남편과 함께 TV를 보는데 아내가 매 맞는 장면이 나왔답니다. 남편이 “당신은 안 맞고 사니 복인줄 알아라.” 고 한마디 합니다. 전 같으면 한마디 쏘아주고 싶었지만 최근 ‘반영적 경청’과‘칭찬하기’를 배운 아내가 얼른 부엌으로 가면서 꾸벅 절을 합니다. “맞아요, 고맙습니다.” 그런데, 예기치 못한 남편의 반응이 있었습니다. 혼자말처럼 “하긴 언어폭력도 폭력이지!” 자신의 폭력적인 말 습관을 돌아본 것입니다. 평소에 말해놓고 후회하기도 했겠지만 이렇게 표현하지는 않았거든요. 환갑이 넘도록 사랑한다거나 고맙다는 표현을 거의 하지 않았던 분도 ‘칭찬하기’ 숙제를 드디어 하셨습니다. 반면에 남편은 자상하고 표현을 잘 하는 분이셨습니다. 이사를 앞두고 훈련받을 일이 있어 무척 바빴던 아내를 위해 남편이 사람을 불러 집 청소를 다 해 놓았답니다. 그런데 아까운 돈 주고 했다는 청소가 엉망이었습니다. “아니 청소가 하나도 제대로 안됐네요. 돈 주지 말지 그랬어요.”라는 말이 목구멍까지 올라왔지만 참고 “잘 하셨어요. 고맙습니다.” 남편이 얼마나 행복해했을까요? 이튿날 갑자기 휴대폰이 고장 나서 서비스를 받으러 갔다가 평소에 아내가 전자사전을 사고 싶어 했다는 것을 기억한 남편이 사전 사려면 어쨌든 돈 들어야 된다면서 아예 전자사전 기능이 있는 휴대폰을 새 걸로 사주었답니다.
저도 우리 남편에게 말씀드립니다. “여보, 조금만 기다려주세요. 아직도 공사 중이어서 죄송합니다. 공사를 완전히 마치려면 꽤 오랜 시간이 필요하겠지만 조금이라도 불편을 덜어드리도록 매일 노력하겠습니다. 사랑합니다.”
They say it has been more than ten years since the apartment complex was last painted, so the buildings are receiving a fresh coat of paint. It was manageable when they were painting the exterior walls, but now that they are painting the stairwells, hallways, and ceilings, the entire place is in utter disarray. Every surface that must not be touched by paint—the doors of each home, the elevator doors, and even the floors—has been covered in plastic sheeting. The flapping plastic gets in the way every time we open and close the door, we have to tread carefully for fear of getting wet paint on our clothes, and until it dries, the pungent smell pierces our nostrils.
Yet, not a single person complained. I paused to wonder why. It is because even if it feels inconvenient and somewhat unpleasant, the discomfort is only temporary, endured for the sake of making our living space better, more beautiful, and cleaner. We endure it because we know that with just a little patience, our surroundings will become far more pleasant and lovely than before.
Then a thought occurred to me: we, too, are still under construction. A wife is a work in progress, and so is a husband. The same is true for parents and their children. If only we realize that we will become better and more beautiful, we can bear with one another. And how wonderful would it be if, instead of merely enduring, we could actively help each other along the way?
Even after thirty-four years of marriage, I still have not mastered the art of speaking well. Though I know I ought to encourage and praise, it does not come easily to me. I know full well that when family members encourage, praise, and help one another, we all mature, become more dependable, and grow more graceful. Yet all too often, rather than offering praise, I catch myself noticing the other person’s shortcomings first and pointing them out. Whenever I feel weary, words that could be said gently come out blunt and curt.
In our discipleship training group at Ulsan Church, there is a practical life assignment called “Praising Your Husband and Children.” Because some have never tried this before, their minds go blank, they feel terribly bashful, and in the end, quite a few struggle to complete the assignment. One wife wanted to thank her husband for washing the dishes, but the moment she saw the torn rubber glove, the words tumbled out before she could stop them: “You tore the rubber glove again, didn't you? Can’t you be more careful for once, instead of doing this every single time?” Her husband, his feelings hurt, retorted, “See if I ever wash the dishes again!” Ah, what a blunder! But it is alright. One can always begin again. Of course, many do complete their homework faithfully and submit delightful reports. Let me share a few of their stories.
There was one wife who found it awkward to speak praise aloud, so she encouraged her husband through handwritten notes. She slipped a small note into the medicine packet her husband takes daily, filled with words of encouragement and appreciation: “I even love the smell of your feet, because those are the very feet that sweat and toil faithfully for our family. Thank you so very much.” “You are truly wonderful. Thank you for staying healthy.” Being a reserved man from the Gyeongsang region, he probably did not show much of an outward reaction. Yet gradually, harsh and unkind words began to vanish from his lips. It seems he even quietly boasted about it at work—to the point where his colleagues were filled with envy!
Another wife was watching television with her husband when a scene came on showing a wife being beaten. Her husband casually remarked, “You should count your blessings that you live without getting beaten.” In the past, she would have fired back a sharp retort. But having recently learned about ‘reflective listening’ and ‘offering praise,’ she hurried toward the kitchen, bowed respectfully, and said, “You are right. Thank you.” To her surprise, her husband had an unexpected reaction. As if muttering to himself, he said, “Come to think of it, verbal abuse is violence too, isn't it?” He had reflected upon his own harsh speech habits. While he might have felt regret in the past after speaking harshly, he had never voiced it in such a way before.
Another woman, who had reached her sixties without ever having expressed love or gratitude, finally accomplished her “praise” homework. Her husband, by contrast, was a warm and expressive man. Before a move, when the wife was overwhelmingly busy with discipleship training, the husband hired cleaners to clean the entire house for her. However, the cleaning, for which he had spent good money, turned out to be a complete mess. The words were on the tip of her tongue: “Goodness, they didn’t clean properly at all! You shouldn't have paid them!” Yet she swallowed them down and said instead, “You did so well, dear. Thank you.” How happy her husband must have felt! The very next day, his mobile phone broke down and he went to have it serviced. Remembering that his wife had long wanted an electronic dictionary, and figuring he would have to spend money on a dictionary anyway, he bought her a brand-new phone equipped with an electronic dictionary feature.
I, too, wish to say to my husband: “Darling, could you please wait for me just a little longer? I am sorry that I am still under construction. It may take quite a long time to complete the renovations fully, but I will strive each day to ease your discomfort even a little. I love you.”
Hulle sê dit is meer as tien jaar sedert die woonstelblok laas geverf is, so die geboue kry nou 'n nuwe laag verf. Toe hulle die buitemure geverf het, was dit nog draaglik, maar noudat hulle die trappe, gange en plafonne verf, heers daar oral pure chaos. Elke oppervlak wat nie met verf besmeer mag word nie—die deure van elke woonstel, die hysbakdeure en selfs die vloere—is met plastiek bedek. Die wapperende plastiek sit in die pad elke keer as 'n mens die deur oop- of toemaak, ons moet versigtig trap om nie nat verf aan ons klere te kry nie, en totdat dit droog is, dring die skerp reuk diep in 'n mens se neusgate in.
Nogtans het niemand gekla nie. Ek het gaan sit en dink waarom dit so is. Dit is omdat, al is dit effens ongerieflik en ietwat onaangenaam, die ongemak slegs van korte duur is ter wille daarvan om ons omgewing beter, mooier en skoner te maak. Ons verduur dit omdat ons weet dat ons leefruimte met net 'n bietjie geduld baie mooier en aangenamer as tevore sal wees.
Toe tref 'n gedagte my: óns is immers ook nog onder konstruksie. 'n Vrou is nog 'n werk aan die gang, en so ook 'n man. Dieselfde geld vir ouers en hul kinders. As ons net weet dat dit beter en mooier sal word, kan ons dit verduur. En hoe wonderlik sou dit nie wees as ons mekaar nie net bloot verduur nie, maar mekaar daadwerklik kan help?
Al is ons reeds 34 jaar getroud, het ek steeds nie geleer hoe om my woorde reg te kies nie. Al weet ek dat ek behoort te bemoedig en te prys, wil dit net nie altyd vlot verloop nie. Ek weet tog maar te goed dat wanneer gesinslede mekaar bemoedig, prys en ondersteun, ons almal volwasse, betroubaar en pragtig van gees word. Tog is ek dikwels geneig om eers die ander een se tekortkominge raak te sien en kritiek uit te spreek, eerder as om te prys. As ek moeg is, klink woorde wat eintlik vriendelik bedoel is, sommer stomp en nors.
In ons dissipelskapgroep by Ulsan Gemeente het ons 'n praktiese lewenstaak genaamd 'Prys jou man en kinders'. Aangesien party mense dit nog nooit van tevore gedoen het nie, raak hulle gedagtes leeg, voel hulle skugter en verleë, en op die ou end sukkel baie om die taak uit te voer. Een vrou wou haar man bedank wat die skottelgoed gewas het, maar die oomblik toe sy die geskeurde rubberhandskoen sien, het die woorde voorbarig uitgeglip: “Het jy alweer die rubberhandskoen geskeur? Kan jy nie 'n slag versigtig wees in plaas daarvan om dit elke liewe keer te doen nie?” Haar man het dadelik gekrenk gevoel en gesê: “Kyk of ek ooit weer skottelgoed was!” Ag, wat 'n flater! Maar dis reg; 'n mens kan altyd weer van voor af begin. Natuurlik is daar ook talle wat hul huiswerk ywerig doen en met blymoedige verslae vorendag kom. Kom ek deel 'n paar van hierdie verhale.
Daar was een vrou wat dit moeilik gevind het om haar man hardop te prys, en toe besluit het om hom met briefies te bemoedig. Sy het 'n briefie in die sakkie van die medikasie gesit wat hy daagliks neem, vol woorde van opbeuring en waardering: “Ek het selfs die reuk van jou voete lief, want dit is die voete van 'n man wat homself moeg sweet om vir ons gesin te sorg. Baie dankie.” “Jy is waarlik 'n wonderlike man. Dankie dat jy gesond bly.” Aangesien hy 'n stil, ingetoë man van die Gyeongsang-streek is, het hy waarskynlik nie veel uiterlike reaksie getoon nie. Tog het die ruwe en lelike woorde mettertyd van sy lippe begin verdwyn. Dit lyk selfs of hy by die werk stilletjies daaroor gespog het—die ander kollegas was glo baie jaloers!
'n Ander vrou het saam met haar man televisie gekyk toe daar 'n toneel verskyn waarin 'n vrou geslaan word. Haar man sê toe sommer ewe ongeërg: “Jy moet jou seëninge tel dat jy sonder slae lewe.” In die verlede sou sy hom dadelik met 'n skerp opmerking teruggevat het. Maar hierdie vrou, wat onlangs van 'reflektiewe luister' en 'prysing' geleer het, het vinnig kombuis toe gestap, 'n beleefde buiging gemaak en gesê: “Jy is reg, baie dankie.” Toe kom daar 'n heeltemal onverwagse reaksie van haar man. Asof hy met homself praat, sê hy: “Nou ja, verbale geweld is mos ook geweld!” Hy het stilgestaan by sy eie bitsige praatgewoontes. Al het hy miskien voorheen in sy binneste berou gehad nadat hy lelik gepraat het, het hy dit nog nooit tevore so verwoord nie.
Nog iemand wat reeds verby sestig was en byna nooit woorde van liefde of dankbaarheid uitgespreek het nie, het uiteindelik haar 'prys'-taak voltooi. Haar man, daarenteen, was 'n baie bedagsame man wat sy gevoelens maklik kon uitdruk. Voor 'n verhuising, toe sy baie besig was met haar dissipelskapopleiding, het die man mense gehuur om die hele huis deeglik skoon te maak sodat sy vrou nie hoef te sukkel nie. Maar die skoonmaakwerk, waarvoor hy swaar verdiende geld betaal het, was 'n volslae mislukking. Die woorde het reeds in haar keel gebrand: “Die plek is dan glad nie behoorlik skoongemaak nie! Jy moes hulle nie betaal het nie!” Tog het sy haar ingehou en gesê: “Jy het so mooi probeer, skat. Baie dankie.” Kan u dink hoe gelukkig haar man moes gevoel het? Die volgende dag het sy selfoon skielik gebreek. Toe hy dit gaan laat regmaak en onthou dat sy vrou lankal 'n elektroniese woordeboek wou hê, en besef dat hy in elk geval geld aan 'n woordeboek sou moes bestee, het hy sommer vir haar 'n splinternuwe selfoon met 'n ingeboude elektroniese woordeboek gekoop.
Ek wil ook vandag vir my man sê: “Manlief, sal jy asseblief nog 'n bietjie op my wag? Ek is jammer dat ek nog onder konstruksie is. Dit sal seker nog lank neem voordat die bouwerk heeltemal voltooi is, maar ek sal elke dag daarna streef om die ongerief vir jou 'n bietjie ligter te maak. Ek het jou lief.”