지난 토요일 큰동생의 둘째 아들 결혼식에 참석하느라 서울을 다녀왔습니다. 다행히 KTX가 있어서 당일에 후딱 다녀올 수 있었지요. 고맙게도 막내 동생이 서울역까지 마중을 나와서 어렵지 않게 식장을 찾아갈 수 있었습니다. 무엇보다도 모두들 바쁜 삶들이라 이런 때가 아니면 만날 수 없는 일가친척들을 모두 만나 뵐 수 있었던 것도 기쁜 일이었습니다. “창선이 아니가? 그래 그동안 잘 있었나?” 서울에서 오신 고모님들, 대구에서 오신 고종사촌들, 조카들, 강원도에서 오신 이모님, 고향에서 오신 분들 정말 오랜만에 만나서 참 반가웠습니다.
조금 일찍 도착했는데 서울에서 결혼식을 하니 올 수 있었다며 외사촌 오빠가 오셨습니다. 평생 정신과 의사로서 열심히 사셨고 방송인으로서도 인기 프로그램에 꽤 오랫동안 출연했던 분이라 세간에서는 이름만 들어도 알만한 분이지요. 지금은 연세도 많지만 수년 동안 암으로 투병하시느라 힘드셨습니다. 반가워하시면서 “응 그래, 내가 잘 견디고 있지. 작년보다 오히려 좋은 것 같아.”라고 하셨습니다. 그리고는 곁에 있는 분들에게 “우리는 내외종간이긴 해도 서로 가까운 사이”라며 자랑을 하셨습니다. 저희 형제들이 자랄 때, 늘 청송에 있는 외가에서 방학을 보내곤 했고 오빠도 고등학교 시절에 저희 집에 얼마 동안 계시기도 해서 저희와는 절친한 사이기는 하지만 저는 그 오빠를 썩 좋아 하지는 않았습니다.
아마도 내가 기억하고 있는 좋지 않은 한 사건 때문인 것 같습니다. 초등학교 2학년 어느 토요일이었던 걸로 기억합니다. 학교를 갔다 와서 툇마루에서 오빠들과 점심을 막 끝냈는데 오빠가 손목시계를 풀어서 한창 자랑을 하던 중이었습니다. 그 시절 고등학생이 손목시계를 갖는다는 것은 대단한 일이었기 때문에 자랑할 만했지요. 내가 무슨 일로 기분이 좋아서 까불거리다가 전혀 의도하지 않게 오빠가 들고 있는 손목시계를 건드려서 떨어뜨리고 말았습니다.
화가 난 오빠가 뒤쪽으로 돌아가더니 장작개비를 들고 와서는 저를 때렸습니다. 많이 아팠던 기억이 없는 걸로 봐서 그리 아프게 때리진 않았을 수도 있습니다. 하지만 평소에 집에서나 학교에서 별로 매를 맞지 않았던 나로서는 정말 슬프고 마음 아픈 일이었습니다. 그래서 오빠 생각을 하면 그 사건부터 떠오르는 것입니다. 다시 생각해보면 자상하기도 하고 나에게도 잘 대해 주셨으며 성공한 삶을 사신 분인데도 그 한 사건이 다른 모든 생각들에 앞서서 떠오르는 바람에 오빠를 좋아하지 않았던 것 같습니다.
결혼식에 손님들이 너무 많이 와서 자리가 모자라는 바람에 내가 앉았던 자리에 우리 둘째 아들을 앉히고 나는 다른 곳으로 옮겨갔습니다. 결혼식을 마치고 둘째가 서울역까지 바래다 주면서 오빠가 했던 이야기를 들려주었습니다. 동생인 저를 엄청 자랑하시면서 “네 엄마가 어릴 적에 얼마나 예쁘고 똑똑했는지 아냐? 정말 내가 아끼고 자랑하는 동생이었다. 아버지께 꼭 전해주라.”고 했다면서 말입니다.
그러면서‘아, 그러고 보니 내가 그동안 오빠를 용서했다고 생각했었는데 그러지 못하고 마음에 품고 있었구나.’라는 생각이 들었습니다. 서울에서 울산으로 내려오면서 인사하려고 인사동에 있는 오빠 병원을 찾아가 한 마디 했습니다. “아이구! 오빠 그 성질 하나 대단했어요. 동생들 밥상머리에서 싸운다고 밥상이 마당으로 날아갔으니까 뭐.”라고 했더니 “내가 그랬나?”라며 웃으셨습니다.
그런데 나는 오빠를 생각하면, 오빠는 다 잊어버렸을 그 매 맞았던 사건이 맨먼저 생각나고 오빠와의 관계가 한 걸음도 나아가지 못하고 회복되지 않았던 것입니다. 나와의 관계를 회복하시려고 나를 아무 조건 없이 용서하신 주님의 그 큰 사랑을 생각하면서 용서하지 못한 죄를 회개하게 되었습니다. 그러자 거의 육십 년 동안 용서하지 않은 채 마음에 남아 관계를 단절하게 되었던 그 일이 마음에서부터 씻기면서 미움과 원망이 사라지게 되었습니다. 조카의 결혼을 축하하러 올라간 상경 길이었는데, 결국은 내 인생의 숙제를 하나 해결하게 되었으니 참 감사한 일입니다.
Last Saturday, I traveled to Seoul to attend the wedding of my oldest brother's second son. Fortunately, thanks to the KTX, I was able to make the round trip in a single day. My youngest brother kindly came to meet me at Seoul Station, making it easy to find my way to the venue. Above all, because everyone lives such busy lives, it was a joy to see so many relatives whom I otherwise rarely have the chance to meet. “Isn't this Changsun? Well, have you been doing well all this time?” Paternal aunts from Seoul, cousins and nephews from Daegu, a maternal aunt from Gangwon-do, and folks from my hometown—it was wonderful to see everyone after such a long time.
Having arrived a bit early, my maternal cousin—an older brother to me—also came, mentioning that he could attend because the wedding was held in Seoul. Having lived his life devotedly as a psychiatrist and having appeared as a beloved guest on popular television programs for many years, his was a name widely recognized by the public. He is now advanced in years and has had a difficult time battling cancer for several years. Yet, warmly greeting me, he said, “Yes, I'm enduring well. In fact, I feel better than last year.” Then, turning to those beside him, he boasted, “Though we are maternal cousins, we have always been remarkably close.” Growing up, our siblings used to spend every school vacation at our mother’s family home in Cheongsong, and during his high school years, he had also stayed at our house for some time. We were indeed quite close, and yet, deep down, I had never been very fond of him.
Perhaps it was because of one unfortunate incident etched in my memory. I believe it was a Saturday when I was in the second grade of elementary school. After returning home, my older brothers and I had just finished lunch on the wooden veranda, and my cousin had taken off his wristwatch to show it off with great pride. In those days, for a high school student to own a wristwatch was a remarkable achievement, so he had every reason to boast. Excited and giddy for some reason, I was fooling around when I completely accidentally bumped into the watch he was holding, and it fell to the floor.
Furious, he went around to the backyard, came back with a piece of firewood, and struck me. Judging by the fact that I don't remember any severe physical pain, he might not have hit me that hard. But for a child like me, who was rarely ever spanked at home or at school, it was a profoundly sorrowful and heartbreaking experience. Ever since, whenever I thought of him, that incident was the first thing that came to mind. Reflecting on it now, he was a caring person who treated me kindly and lived an accomplished life, but because that single memory overshadowed everything else, I had harbored an aversion toward him.
At the wedding, so many guests arrived that seats became scarce, so I offered my chair to my second son and moved elsewhere. After the ceremony, as my second son accompanied me to Seoul Station, he shared a conversation he had with my cousin. He told me that my cousin had boasted about me with great affection: “Do you know how lovely and smart your mother was when she was little? She was truly a sister I cherished and was so proud of. Please make sure to pass that on to your father.”
Hearing that, a thought struck me: ‘Ah, looking back, I thought I had forgiven him all along, but I hadn't; I was still holding onto it in my heart.’ On my way back down from Seoul to Ulsan, I stopped by his clinic in Insa-dong to say goodbye and brought up the past: “Oh my, you certainly had a fiery temper back then! When the younger siblings fought at the dinner table, the entire table ended up flying into the yard!” He simply laughed and replied, “Did I really do that?”
Yet, whenever I thought of him, that painful memory of being struck—something he had long forgotten—was always the first thing to surface, keeping our relationship from taking a single step forward toward genuine reconciliation. Thinking of the Lord's immense love, who unconditionally forgave me to restore His relationship with me, I was led to repent of my sin of harboring unforgiveness. At that moment, that lingering hurt of nearly sixty years, which had kept my heart estranged and closed off, was washed away, and all bitterness and resentment dissolved. I had traveled up to Seoul simply to celebrate my nephew's wedding, but in the end, God enabled me to resolve one of my life’s deepest homework assignments. For that, I am truly grateful.
Verlede Saterdag het ek na Seoel gereis om die troue van my oudste broer se tweede seun by te woon. Gelukkig kon ek danksy die KTX die hele reis sommer op een dag aflê. My jongste broer was so gaaf om my by Seoel-stasie te ontmoet, sodat ek die huweliksaal sonder enige moeite kon vind. Bowenal, aangesien almal sulke besige lewens lei, was dit 'n groot vreugde om al die familielede te sien wat 'n mens andersins kwalik teëkom. “Is dit nie Changsun nie? Nou maar, hoe gaan dit al die tyd?” Tantes van vaderskant uit Seoel, neefs en niggies uit Daegu, 'n tante van moederskant uit Gangwon-do, en vriende en familie uit ons tuisdorp—dit was waarlik hartverblydend om almal ná so 'n lang tyd weer te sien.
Omdat ek 'n bietjie vroeg opgedaag het, het my neef van moederskant—'n ouer broersfiguur vir my—ook daar aangekom; hy het genoem dat hy kon kom juis omdat die troue in Seoel plaasvind. Hy het sy lewe lank met toewyding as psigiater gepraktiseer en was boonop jare lank 'n gewilde gas op televisieprogramme, sodat sy naam aan die breë publiek bekend is. Hy is nou al baie bejaard en het die afgelope paar jaar 'n moeisame stryd teen kanker gevoer. Tog het hy my hartlik verwelkom en gesê: “Ja, ek hou goed moed. Eintlik voel ek vanjaar beter as verlede jaar.” Toe het hy met trots aan die mense langs hom gesê: “Al is ons neef en niggie, was ons nog altyd baie na aan mekaar.” Terwyl ons kinders grootgeword het, het ons elke vakansie by ons oupa en ouma se huis in Cheongsong deurgebring, en hy het ook tydens sy hoërskooljare 'n wyle by ons tuisgegaan; ons was inderdaad baie geheg, maar tog het ek nooit werklik van hom gehou nie.
Dit was waarskynlik weens een onaangename voorval wat in my geheue bly vassteek het. As ek reg onthou, was dit 'n Saterdag toe ek in graad twee van die laerskool was. Nadat ons van die skool af gekom het, het my broers en ek pas klaar middagete geëet op die houtstoep, en my neef het sy polshorlosie afgehaal en dit met groot trots vertoon. In daardie jare was dit 'n geweldige prestasie vir 'n hoërskoolseun om 'n eie polshorlosie te besit, so hy het alle rede gehad om te spog. Oor een of ander rede was ek vrolik en vol baldadigheid, en heeltemal per ongeluk het ek teen die horlosie in sy hand gestamp sodat dit op die grond geval het.
Woedend het hy na agter die huis gestap, met 'n stuk kaggelhout teruggekom en my daarmee geslaan. Te oordeel aan die feit dat ek my nie veel fisieke pyn kan herinner nie, het hy my dalk nie eens baie hard geslaan nie. Maar vir my, wat tuis of by die skool bitter min slae gekry het, was dit 'n uiters hartseer en pynlike ervaring. Sedertdien was dit altyd daardie einste voorval wat eerste by my opgekom het wanneer ek aan hom gedink het. Nabetragtend was hy 'n sorgsame mens wat my altyd goed behandel het en 'n suksesvolle lewe gelei het, maar omdat daardie enkele insident alle ander gedagtes oorskadu het, het ek 'n wrok teen hom gekoester.
By die troue het so baie gaste opgedaag dat sitplekke skaars geword het, en daarom het ek my sitplek vir my tweede seun gegee en self elders gaan sit. Ná afloop van die seremonie, terwyl my tweede seun my na Seoel-stasie vergesel het, het hy my vertel wat my neef vir hom gesê het. Hy het glo met groot lof oor my gepraat: “Weet jy hoe mooi en slim jou ma was toe sy klein was? Sy was waarlik 'n suster op wie ek vreeslik trots was en wat ek baie gekoester het. Sê dit asseblief vir jou pa.”
Toe ek dit hoor, het die gedagte my getref: ‘Ag, as ek daaraan dink, het ek altyd gereken dat ek hom vergewe het, maar ek het dit nog altyd in my hart rondgedra.’ Op pad terug van Seoel na Ulsan het ek by sy spreekkamer in Insa-dong aangegaan om te groet en gesê: “Aai, daardie humeur van jou was darem iets vreesliks! Toe die kinders om die etenstafel baklei het, het die hele tafel mos buitentoe in die erf getrek!” Hy het net gelag en gevra: “Het ek werklik so gemaak?”
En tog, wanneer ek aan hom gedink het, was daardie houe wat ek gekry het—iets wat hy lankal vergeet het—altyd die heel eerste herinnering, en ons verhouding kon nooit 'n enkele tree vorentoe gee om werklik te herstel nie. Toe ek dink aan die Here se oneindige groot liefde, wat my sonder enige voorwaardes vergewe het om die verhouding met my te herstel, het ek berou gehad oor my eie sonde van onvergewensgesindheid. En net daar is daardie insident, wat byna sestig jaar lank sonder vergifnis in my gemoed gebly het en die band verbreek het, uit my hart gewas, en alle wrewel en bitterheid het verdwyn. Ek het na die hoofstad gereis om my broerskind se huwelik te vier, maar uiteindelik het die Here my een van die diepste lewenstake van my lewe laat afhandel. En daarvoor is ek innig dankbaar.