나는 새벽 잠이, 아니 아침 잠도 많은 아이였습니다. 그런 아이의 특징은 저녁에는 늦도록 잠자기를 싫어합니다. 그렇지만 내는 밤에 잠자기를 싫어한다는 사실을 오랫동안 인정하지 않았습니다. ‘왜 당신은 밤만 되면 안 자려고 하느냐’는 질문을 받았지만 ‘안 자려고 하는 것이 아니라 다만 잠이 오지 않을뿐’이라고 끝까지 버티던 때가 있었습니다. 그런데 어느날 잠자리에 눕히면, ‘엄마 쭈쭈’, ‘엄마 쉬’하면서 어쩌든지 밖으로 나오려고 하고, 일단 밖으로 나오면 방으로 들어가지 않으려하는 첫 손녀를 보면서, ‘그래, 저 애는 어쩌든지 안자려고 하는 것이 맞아^^’라고 무릎을 쳤습니다. 할아버지를 닮은 그 손녀 때문에, 그동안 버티던 할아버지의 주장은 힘없이 무너지고 말았습니다.
고려신학교 대학부 과정에 입학하고 기숙사 생활을 시작했습니다. 신학교 기숙사는 새벽 5시면 새벽기도회에 참석해야 하는 것이 불문율입니다. 본래 신학교는 나이파괴 집단인데가, 기숙사는 1학년부터 7학년까지 통합형입니다. 당시 18세였지만, 서른 살도 더 많은 선배들도 기숙사에 많았습니다. 문제는 나이와 함께 이해심이 넓어지는 것이 아니라 오히려 당신의 생각이 옳다는 확신만 깊어지기도 합니다. 하여간 한 분 전도사님은 새벽벨이 울리면, 이 방 저 방을 다니면서, 자고 있는 동생들을 깨우는데, 숨어 있을 틈이 없었습니다. 그 때 떠올랐던 말씀입니다. “네가 … 별 사이에 깃들일지라도 내가 거기에서 너를 끌어내리리라 …” (욥 1:4) 새벽에 일어나는 것보다는 차라리 밤을 새우는 것을 선호했을 때였지만 그 형님은 야구방망이까지 동원해서 우리를 찾아내었습니다.
이렇게 새벽을 깨우는 훈련이 안 된 신학생이 대학원생이 되면서, 초임 사역지 합천 청덕교회로 부임했습니다. 시골예배당이라야 사택 포함해서 12평 정도입니다. 예배실 8평, 사택 4평이고, 교회당 입구에 세워진 무쇠종이 첫 번째 울리면 일어나고, 두 번째 울리면 예배가 시작되어야 합니다. 그런데도 총각전도사가 일어나지 못하면 문밖에서 두드립니다. 혹시 간밤에 연탄가스라도 마셨나 하는 염려에서 “전도사님, 전도사님”하고 불러 깨웁니다. 그 때 저는 나름 힘들어서, 가끔씩 코피가 터져, 코피 발린 베갯잇이 그 당시의 등록상표였습니다. 뒤에는 정릉에서 탄포리교회를 두 번째 개척 목회를 할 때도 새벽은 힘들었습니다. 사택에서 교회로 가는 정릉 담벽을 따라 난 산길을 가면서 생각했습니다. ‘꼭 나를 목회자로 쓰시려면 외국에서든지, 아님 한국에서 쓰시려면 교수로 부르시든지, 그러면 이 새벽기도의 부담에서부터 벗어날 터인데 ㅠㅠ’
마침내 울산교회로 부름을 받아 70세에 은퇴까지 24년을 섬겼지만, 새벽기도에 관한한 별다른 진보를 내질 못했습니다. 33년을 목회했던 전임자께서는 새벽 3시 반이면 일어나서 7시까지 본당을 떠나지 않으셨던 분입니다. 그분의 후임으로 가서, 뒤에는 특별기도회만 감당했고, 성도들은 ‘우리 목사님은 건강 때문에 새벽기도를 하지를 못해’라고 양해를 하는 선에서, 은퇴를 했습니다. 그러다 에스라로 3년 전에 오면서 가당찮은 소원을 품었습니다. <기도하는 총장>으로 남고 싶다는 소원을 가졌고, 그것도 ‘죠지 물러처럼’ 하나님께만 아뢰고 싶다는 결심을 했습니다^^ 그래서 지난 10월 초부터 에스라성경대학원대학교 본관 501호 기도실을 찾았습니다. <기도하는 총장>으로 남고 싶은 소원 때문입니다. 처음에는 직원들과의 묵상나눔 시간을 마치고 올라갔습니다. 언제부터인가 새벽 5시에 5층을 오르면서 아무도 방해하지 않는 시간, 새벽 첫 시간 하나님과 대면하는 시간이 좋습니다. 참으로 감사한 일입니다.
As a child, I loved sleeping late into the morning—or rather, I was someone who simply loved his morning sleep. A distinct trait of such children is that they hate going to bed early at night. Yet, for a long time, I refused to admit that I disliked going to sleep at night. Whenever I was asked, “Why do you resist sleeping whenever night falls?”, I would persistently defend myself, insisting, “It’s not that I’m trying to stay awake; sleep just won't come to me.” But one day, watching my first granddaughter—who, whenever tucked into bed, would invent every excuse: “Mommy, milk!” or “Mommy, potty!” just to get out of bed, and once out, would stubbornly refuse to go back in—I slapped my knee and laughed: “Indeed, that child is doing everything she can just to stay awake! ^^” Because of that granddaughter who took right after her grandfather, my long-held, stubborn defense crumbled helplessly to the ground.
I later entered the undergraduate program at Korea Theological Seminary and began life in the dormitory. It was an unwritten rule in the seminary dormitory that everyone had to attend early morning prayer at 5:00 a.m. By nature, a seminary brings together people of all ages, and the dormitory housed students from the first through seventh years under one roof. Though I was only eighteen at the time, there were many senior students in the dorm who were more than thirty years older than me. The problem is that growing older does not always broaden one’s understanding; sometimes, it only deepens the stubborn conviction that one is always right. In any case, whenever the dawn bell rang, one senior student evangelist would patrol from room to room, waking up all the younger brothers sleeping inside, leaving no room to hide. A Scripture verse came to mind back then: “Though you nest among the stars, from there I will bring you down...” (cf. Obadiah 1:4 / Job). In those days, I would have much rather stayed up all night than wake up at the crack of dawn, but that senior brother would track us down relentlessly, even wielding a baseball bat.
Untrained as I was in awakening the dawn, this theological student advanced to graduate school and was appointed to his first ministry post at Cheongdeok Church in Hapcheon. It was a rustic rural chapel measuring merely twelve pyeong (around 40 square meters), including the parsonage—the sanctuary was eight pyeong, and the living quarters were four pyeong. When the cast-iron bell at the church entrance chimed for the first time, one had to wake up; when it tolled the second time, the worship service had to begin. Still, whenever this bachelor evangelist failed to rise, someone would knock on the door outside. Worried that I might have inhaled toxic coal briquette fumes during the night, they would urgently call out, “Evangelist! Evangelist!” to wake me. Life was quite exhausting for me then; nosebleeds erupted frequently, and pillowcases stained with nosebleeds became my daily trademark. Later, when I planted my second church—Tanpo-ri Church in Jeongneung—the early mornings were just as agonizing. Walking up the mountain path along the wall of Jeongneung from the parsonage to the church, I used to think: ‘If You truly intend to use me as a minister, please send me abroad, or if in Korea, call me as a professor; then surely I could be freed from the heavy burden of this early morning prayer ㅠㅠ.’
Eventually, I was called to Ulsan Church and served there for 24 years until retiring at the age of seventy, but I made little progress when it came to early morning prayer. My predecessor, who had ministered for 33 years, was a servant of God who rose at 3:30 a.m. and would not leave the main sanctuary until 7:00 a.m. Succeeding him, I later managed to lead only special dawn prayer meetings, and the congregation graciously excused me, saying, “Our pastor cannot attend early morning prayer because of his health,” until I retired. Then, upon coming to Ezra three years ago, I dared to harbor an audacious desire. I longed to be remembered as a “praying president,” and I resolved to pour out my heart to God alone, just like George Müller ^^. Thus, from the beginning of last October, I began visiting Prayer Room 501 in the main building of Ezra Bible Graduate University. It stemmed from that heartfelt desire to remain a “praying president.” At first, I would go up after our staff meditation and devotional sharing. But from a certain point onward, climbing up to the fifth floor at 5:00 a.m. to meet God face to face in that quiet, undisturbed first hour of the dawn has become a deep joy. It is truly something to be grateful for.
As kind was ek iemand wat baie lief was vir oggendslaap—om die waarheid te sê, ek kon maar net nie vroeg opstaan nie. 'n Kenmerkende eienskap van sulke kinders is dat hulle saans tot laat weier om te gaan slaap. Tog het ek jare lank geweier om te erken dat ek saans doodeenvoudig nie wou gaan slaap nie. As mense my gevra het: “Waarom wil jy dan nooit slaap sodra die aand aanbreek nie?”, het ek hardkoppig volgehou: “Dis nie dat ek nie wil slaap nie; die vaak wil my maar net nie oorval nie.” Maar eendag het ek my eerste kleindogter dopgehou. Wanneer sy in die bed gesit is, het sy met allerlei verskonings vorendag gekom: “Mamma, melk!” of “Mamma, piepie!”, net om uit die bed te kom, en sodra sy eers buite was, het sy botweg geweier om weer kamer toe te gaan. Toe slaan ek my hande op my knieë en lag: “Kyk net daar, daardie kind wil regtig tot elke prys wakker bly! ^^” Weens daardie kleindogter wat soos 'n spieëlbeeld van haar oupa was, het oupa se jarelange verweer magteloos in duie gestort.
Ek is later tot die voorgraadse program van die Korea Teologiese Kweekskool toegelaat en het in die koshuis begin woon. Dit was 'n ongeskrewe reël in die teologiese koshuis dat almal om vyfuur soggens die oggendbiduur moes bywoon. 'n Teologiese kweekskool bring immers mense van alle ouderdomme byeen, en die koshuis het studente van die eerste tot die sewende jaar saamgehuisves. Alhoewel ek destyds maar agtien jaar oud was, was daar baie senior studente in die koshuis wat meer as dertig jaar ouer as ek was. Die probleem is dat ouderdom nie altyd groter deernis meebring nie; soms verdiep dit net die hardkoppige oortuiging dat 'n mens altyd reg is. Hoe dit ook al sy, sodra die oggendklok gelui het, het een senior evangelis van kamer tot kamer gegaan om die slapende jonger broers wakker te maak, sonder enige plek om weg te kruip. 'n Skrifwoord het destyds by my opgekom: “Al bou jy jou nes tussen die sterre, Ek sal jou daarvandaan afbring...” (vgl. Obadja 1:4 / Job). In daardie dae sou ek liewer die hele nag deurgewaak het as om met dagbreek op te staan, maar daardie broer het ons selfs met 'n bofbalkolf opgespoor.
Sonder dat ek ooit werklik geleer het om die daeraad te wek, het hierdie teologiestudent na die nagraadse skool gevorder en my eerste bedieningspos by Cheongdeok Gemeente in Hapcheon aanvaar. Dit was 'n eenvoudige plattelandse kerkie wat, saam met die pastorie, skaars twaalf pyeong (sowat 40 vierkante meter) beslaan het—die kerkgebou was agt pyeong en die pastorie vier pyeong. Wanneer die gietysterklok by die ingang van die kerk vir die eerste keer gelui het, moes 'n mens opstaan; met die tweede klokslag moes die diens begin. As die jonggesel-evangelis egter steeds nie kon opstaan nie, het hulle van buite aan die deur geklop. Uit vrees dat ek dalk steenkoolgas ingeasem het gedurende die nag, het hulle benoud geroep: “Evangelis, Evangelis!” om my wakker te maak. Destyds was dit vir my emosioneel en fisiek baie swaar; my neus het gereeld gebloei, en kussingslope met bloedvlekke was destyds my daaglikse handelsmerk. Later, toe ek my tweede gemeente—die Tanpo-ri Gemeente in Jeongneung—geplant het, was die oggendure net so moeilik. Terwyl ek op die bergpaadjie al langs die muur van Jeongneung van die pastorie na die kerk gestap het, het ek gedink: ‘Here, as U my dan as predikant wil gebruik, stuur my asseblief oorsee, of as dit in Korea moet wees, roep my as professor; dan sal ek tog van hierdie swaar las van die oggendbiduur verlos wees ㅠㅠ.’
Uiteindelik is ek na Ulsan Gemeente beroep, waar ek 24 jaar lank gedien het tot met my aftrede op sewentigjarige leeftyd, maar wat die oggendbiduur betref, het ek min vordering gemaak. My voorganger, wat 33 jaar lank daar bedien het, was 'n man van God wat om halfvier soggens opgestaan het en eers teen sewenuur die kerkgebou verlaat het. As sy opvolger kon ek later slegs die spesiale bidure hanteer, en die gemeentelede het my met liefde verskoon deur te sê: “Ons leraar se gesondheid laat hom nie toe om die vroeë oggendbiduur by te woon nie,” en so het ek uiteindelik afgetree. Toe ek egter drie jaar gelede na Ezra gekom het, het ek 'n gewaagde wens gekoester. Ek het die hartsbegeerte gehad om as 'n “biddende rektor” bekend te staan, en ek het my voorgeneem om, net soos George Müller, my hart slegs voor God uit te stort ^^. Daarom het ek sedert die begin van verlede Oktober gereeld die Bidkamer 501 in die hoofgebou van Ezra Bybelse Nagraadse Universiteit opgesoek. Dit het gespruit uit daardie diepe verlange om as 'n “biddende rektor” te bly leef. Aanvanklik het ek opgegaan nadat die oordenking en deeltyd saam met die personeel verby was. Maar van 'n sekere tyd af het dit vir my 'n wonderlike vreugde geword om reeds om vyfuur soggens na die vyfde verdieping op te stap—'n stil uur waar niemand my steur nie, 'n kosbare eerste uur van die dagbreek om aangesig tot aangesig voor God te staan. Dit is werklik iets om innig dankbaar voor te wees.